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Feeling that empty void again.

Ya know, per usual... my self loathing towards this weight gain and longing for a body that I could feel comfortable letting close to the person dearest to me, my boyfriend. Seriously... I don't want Dan looking at any part of me. If *I'm* making myself this sick looking at it.... I can't imagine what someone whom I'm supposed to be intimate with may feel.

Last night Dan came over to watch Game of Thrones. The second the credits started, he said he had to go. Now... I know that he just worked 8.5 hours and had to drive home still, and it was already past 11:30 when we got done.... but I just felt empty again.

Maybe this is me over reacting.

I know I keep saying something needs to change, but really... The flabby crazy streched out looking stomach attached to me is a sight that makes me want to never eat again.


Tonight I'm going with Patricia back to the gym. She's buying me a month membership and we're doing U-Jam. Still not sure how I feel about that class, but alas... I'll give it a shot. I'm trying to be more active. What is really frustrating is that I don't eat like crap, so I don't know how to change to 'healthy eating habits' when it's already pretty healthy.

There are several things I want.
I long for a vehicle... but with that comes a great chunk of money that will go towards it every month, making it hard to save up.

And then... there's some sort of surgery that I long for. Seriously, My stomach is just so.... there. Everything feels loose. Doesn't help that I want to cry just looking at the random stretch marks appearing on my arms.

My chest has been hurting lately. I feel like I need to go to the doctor. Maybe that is the logical explanation towards my random weight gain.

Maybe I'll call today to make an apointment for Friday.

Going over my expenses... It's killing me.
My Credit Card is maxed out, my phone bill & hulu are due.... I also want to get a car. (oh yeah, I finally got my license!) -- I need to think about getting a vehicle soon. Then I'll have insurance and gas to pay for in monthly bills.

There's a lot of things I could talk about right now.

Let's start with the subject of my previous several blogs.
My relationship.
I'm still not sure what's going on. We've barely spoken since all that stuff happened. We're going on over 2 weeks now. I haven't asked to see him at all except yesterday I did bring up the GoT season premier.

I'm not sure if he's distancing himself or if he's waiting for me to say something. Thinking about it kinda puts that knot in my stomach again, so I won't dwell on it too much right now. Maybe tomorrow I can ask him when I can see him.... but will that make it seem like we're just repeating everything? gah, I dunno.

On a different subject... Kristie's bday was on Friday and I still don't have everything together for her yet. My mom picked up the oz doll from her work and I got her a little plush ram. I just... need to think up some other things. I should have bought her something from the con, but alas... I didn't even buy anything for myself.

Speaking of con... I went with Erica to Conji on Saturday. It was.... okay. The only reason I had us go to Conji was for the Dangan Ronpa murder mystery event which was a litle disappointing. They could have done so much more. I feel bad cause it was Erica's first con, but she had fun at least. We met up with Dex and Jeremiah so it made the con more entertaining.

I need to start really thinking about working out and/or being more active.

I got really busy at work all of a sudden and forgot where my last train of thought was going. Alas, it must wait until tomorrow. 
Last night I watched the Season 4 finale of Girls. Kinda tore me apart emotionally inside from the ending state of Hannah & Adam's relationship. Though, I'm too void and scared to feel any emotion more than the knots in my stomach to actually let myself cry and do more than wallow in self loathing.

However, the part that really got me was the final scene between the two characters:

  • Hannah:Isn't that always how we feel when a relationship ends? You're like, what was that, who was that? And then you give it a few months and all the good memories come back and you can kind of live with it, I think.

  • Adam:No, I just think I was confused. And I think I made a mistake. I miss you so badly. I think I just got lost in it all and I didn't hold on to the right stuff and I let my center move and I just got lost.

I didn't text Dan at all yesterday. I feel like it's probably better if I give him a bit of breathing room after sending my email and not hearing from him for 2 days now. Tomorrow is Friday though, I know he's off at noon. While I'm tired and afraid to fall asleep due to whatever terrible dreams I may have, I think I'm gonna nap when I'm off work today and text him to see if he'd like to do anything.

*sigh* Seriously... how can one go from feeling jaded and comfortable with the idea that something can end any minute, but the second the power is in the other person's hands... we struggle to hold on to something.

I don't want to break up. All I want is for him to open up more. Is that so much to ask? That terrible struggle of uncertainty when I do hear from him...
If he does, than I'm going to show how much I care, attempt to be more intimate, shower him with all the love I can hold.

Why do people get comfortable and let those feelings go? Fuck, just look back at my blog from Nov 2011. (Jeez... 3.5 yrs ago) -- Talking about how every part of him makes me want him more. That was the whole forlesket time. That euphoric feeling of falling for someone at the beginning. Why can't that be a constant feeling?

Maybe I'm just too nostalgic. Maybe I long for things that once were.

If I can see him tomorrow... I'm not going to let go. I just wish he would be in the same headspace as me. Cause if not... it'll be that empty feeling of embracing someone that doesn't feel the same.
(I guess this is how Sean felt everytime I hung out with him and he'd try to embrace me and I'd tense up, turning away) but really.. this is me having a battle with my head right now.

We still have so many tv shows and terrible movies to watch, infomercials to make fun of, cons to attend, etc.

That fear of losing something has never been so great. I'm desperately clutching on to whatever I can and trying to tell myself not to block out these emotions. I'm sure it's not healthy that I do that.
I can forget a negative conversation almost right away if I want just to help me manage my emotions better.

I seriously need to get out of this mopey mood I'm in. I didn't eat anything but a gross meal bar yesterday cause I felt sick to my stomach.

end of the year blog 2009~ (X-posted)


- Kicked Dave out of the house, Started school, spent more time with Dan, got all my systems stolen, my mom kicked my dad out of the house.

- got my ‘certification’ for my make-up class, did a ‘real’ photoshoot and used Kristie and Sarah as my lovely models.

- resident evil 5 midnight, Dentist for the first time in forever, lost my right piercing in my lip cause it closed at the dentist =.=

- funeral for my uncle, got my eyebrow pierced, got liberty spikes for the first time

- went to Disneyland for the first time in forever with Kristie, found a kitty and gave it to Dan, got my permit.

- took my -uneventful shouldn’t have done it anyways- leave from school, started getting no hours at work, extreme lack of money, went to a goth club for the first time

- Didn’t go to Anime Expo, went to Comic-con, participated in the zombie walk, got on better terms with Valerie again, Met Allie for the first time –in person-, got my wisdoms removed, got nerve damage from my wisdoms being pulled, lost my other lip piercing cause my face got so swollen, Indie flipped out and left what became lovely scars on my wrist.

- got acrylic nails for the first time, got an under shave on the left side of my head, applied for Kohls and had an interview with no luck, tried to be blonde again but the ends of my hair melted =_=, and started to slip away from someone.

- Phone broke and went without one for a while, got Indie fixed, hung out with Allie, for hours for the first time since June -.-

- went to Hollywood with Dan, Heather, and my dad ; lonely birthday, lonely Halloween, hung out with Valerie for the first time in a year

- Got my snakebites again on the 28th thanks to miss Allie, got extensions for the first time, had an amazing visit before thanksgiving

- got broken up with, started playing the 360, got a new PS3, pierced my ear on my own


::..The Bad..::

Getting my systems and etc stolen

Lack of money

Nerve damage

Not going to anime expo

Losing my piercings

Feeling alone so often

Losing someone

Family drama

::..The Good..::

Being with Dan

Going to school

Talking to Valerie again

Meeting new people


Indie getting fixed

Disneyland with Kristie

Got my permit


Get my drivers license

Lose weight/ work out more and do yoga or something

Get my cosmetology license

Make more money

Live more in the present, rather then the past or looking too much in the future.

Treasure whatever I can, and not take them for granted.

Be more sociable towards people

Play more videogames

Take all the opportunities that present themselves.

.. ..


::.. Relationships ..::

The first boy I’ve been with whom I feel has truly been that Prince I’ve been wanting who also let me play as the princess instead of reversed rolls. He’s the first one as well who is so different from the others…
With Dan, we did rush things way too quickly, and I tried to hold on so closely at the beginning, since I was dealing with the beginning of the year being a downfall for me. I know that he’s an amazing person, and now, I wish we didn’t drink together so much at first and have that end up being what we did all the time when we hung out, since when we were together and –not- drinking… it was almost like we didn’t know what to do around each other. He’s the most sincere and real prince that has come into my life, and sadly things don’t last forever… but I really value what we had, even though we probably could have both tried harder and things have turned so bitter and horrible at the fall of this all. Too bad he can’t talk to me about things, cause I hold no grudges or hard feelings on the situation…


Note: just so you all know, this is the rough draft so to speak that I had going on my computer before I lost my editing and everything... I don't have the will nor desire to go back and fix it right now, since this was written towards the beginning of december and since then feelings have changed and I feel as if I just don't care about certain things anymore...

Sorry everyone that got the hope I was gonna go all out on this blog, which was my intention... but my trip away to start of the new year in a much happier place with amazing people, has made me jaded toward everything that crashed down towards the end of the year.

I'm looking forward to 2010 being a better year.

Comic-Con 2009

-Preview Night-

Outfit: Plaid pants, white 'corset' tank top, gauze covering my wounds, trenchcoat, gray hightop shoes. purple wig. no make-up cept eyeliner.

Spent the whole afternoon trying to figure out how I was going to make a fake id so that I could be 'keegan' to pick up the ticket with Kristie, and managed to get ahold of Sean before he left to scan in his college id to the computer, then scan my state id, and copy and paste and do a bunch of editing. Right before leaving, Indie broke out, and went psychotic and attacked me. My arm and wrist was completely bleeding.
My mom thought to tell me not to leave for preview night, thinking that I would have to go to the hospital... so instead she bandaged me up with gauze. I didn't want to be stared at or stand out too much while picking up the ticket since I was 'keegan' for the night.
Met up with kristie at Fashion valley.
we waited for about 45 minutes for the event line to show up, and headed over to the convention center, but the really nice thing was that we basically were able to just walk in get our tickets, and do whatever we wanted. Saw Steve volunteering, which was awesome. Then we went to Ralphs and got food, but not before the guy that worked there pulled me aside and had to search my bag since the alarm things went off when we walked in.
We sat outside the steps and ate, went in to the exhibit hall when the time came.
Went to Capcom first which was a biiiiiiig mistake since the whole end of the hall, was PACKED by the videogame area.
walked around a bit to check out everything that was going on, and sat out in the main hall.Met up with Steve again before we left, and took the trolley and hung out with him before leaving.
Kristie and I went to Dennys for dinner/breakfast.

Outfit: fishnets+other net stockings and red n black stocking on the other leg, lace up knee high boots, Lolita dress, leather belted waist cincher, zombie make-up. Lots of 'blood'

Slept for only 2 hours and woke up to Sarah tappin' on my window around 8-9. woke up and decided to hang out with her for a little bit before deciding on making her all bloody and amazingly zombied up. (with my awesome blood made from corn syrup and sugar)
Waited for Dan to come by around 11:30, but then had to wait for my grandma to come home at 12:30 and give me some spending money.
We were heading out and then had to split up from Sarah since she had to go do stuff before leaving, then me and Dan waited for her at the trolley station.
Got to the center, looked around at all the spiffy booths and while it all looked normal to me, I was trying to focus on the main things to show Dan since it's his first time at Comic-Con. We left to go and get some drinks from Ralphs, and sat outside so we could eat and I put make-up on Dan to make him a Zombie. Went back in the hall, got free stuff and got my picture taken several times. Met up with Aloysius and put zombie make-up on him. Sarah had to go meet up with a friend so we left her company for a bit, and she magically ran into people like the twilight cast and the organizers of the zombie walk.
Alo, his sister, Dan and me went wayyy downtown a bunch of blocks away from the con, to head over to the zombie walk. I was hoping to get a zombie land t-shirt but we got there uber 'late' even though it was about 40 minutes before the walk was sposed to start. So i didn't get a t-shirt... -.- which i was hoping for, and one of the reasons why i was able to tolerate all the sticky blood on me the whole day.
Did the walk, which I have to say was much longer then I thought it would be.


Saw some really -bad- make-up but tolerated it, since I was with awesome people. My feet died. after the walk, headed to the trolley with Dan and left back to Fashion to go to the car and head to Nijiya for a lovely ricebowl and milk tea<3 Took a shower and actually went to bed early.

Things bought: Metaknight plush for Shane




outfit: lace-up boots, red & black stocking + fishnets, black biker shorts, red hot pants, black tanktop, Corset, and pink n black 'shirt' I ended up making the other night from tights. Red wig and mini top hat. Cyber esque 'mask' make-up.

Left around 12:30 and missed the exit for Friars rd, so we decided to try and park at another trolley station, Old town parking was full though and the next thing we knew, we were downtown. but I'm sorry. 20 bucks for 3-4 hours? i don't think so. we ended up heading back to Fashion and parking *for free* got on the trolley and about 1:30 we finally made it. Met up with Ryan outside the con, and then met up with Steve. (who was suuuuuuuper amazing and gave me Battle Royal big manga<3 ) Then we waited for Aaron and Daniel. Went in with Steve, Dan and Ryan, then I snuck out both of their tickets and got Aaron and Daniel in. Split up then so Aaron could go do his thing. Sarah found me right away~<33 x3 Then I let Dan go do his thing with Ryan and I spent time with just Sarah which I have to say was a first in quite sometime.


We ended up going by Lionsgate and talking to the guy that was passing stuff out for gamer since they had an awesome charging station for cellphones. Then the stand behind us decided to fall down and start to crush people.



tried to hop in line for the summit entertainment wheel spin, but it was closed by the time we were both not distracted enough to head over there. Saw the guy who plays Freddy Kreugar, but he was far away and signing at one of the booths, and got denied to jump in line. Got a pretzel and sat with Sarah in the exhibit hall and got our picture taken for drunkrockers.com haha.

And then, Sarah and me then went on a journey to find Tokyopop but we still couldn't find it, so instead we headed over to Square Enix so Sarah could sign up for the newsletter and get the fan for Dissedia. Then Anthony magically found me and he came with Sarah and me to head over to Ralphs and get drinks, but Sarah headed out to the trolley station and Anthony joined me in trying to find the subway I kept hearing so much about where Dan and Ryan were. Then Anthony disapeared and I went with the boys back to the exhibit hall. Found out Aaron got caught, and had to leave. :/ we wandered, and ended up back by lionsgate where the guy Sarah and I were talking to for Gamer earlier was still there, passing out awesome energy shots with 'gamer' on em. and then he told me they would be giving out t-shirts after he was done, and since i waited for so long he snuck me two cause it'd be a while till he got rid of all the drinks. Left for Viz had a no line wait for the free Viz bags, and ended up getting two since there really was no line. Then there was a no line wait for the Naruto crane machine which we tried for, and all three of us ended up failing. xD
Wandered around some more, and I searched for aisle 5300 so I could go and get find the telltale games stand. Got distracted by all the videogame stuff, and watched Dan and Ryan play some game demos, got postcards for RE.

While they were playing the games, I was off talking to the people at Capcom, making sure they would have enough of the more then amazing RE shirts they give to whoever plays Darkside Chronicals. I got interviewed for a webshow asking me about if people have been taking my pictures or hitting on me while at con. ^^;; *will post the vid link when it goes on their site* then I went to talk to the people at the capcom store area and talked to them to see what RE things they had, and they swayed me into getting the amazing mints with the umbrella logo printed on it, 3 for 10 bucks. I asked what else they had and they showed me mini figurines.. which was Chris Redfield. (the very one that came in my collectors and broke so easily.) and I asked the guy, "is this the one that came in the collectors?" he said "yup" and I pouted and said "aww....mine broke.." and he looked at me and said "aww, well...tell a what, how bout I give you one for free?" and I got one for free, and he has such an amazing looking face in comparison to the little blobs of paint that was on my collectors one. seriously, this one has detail. (and shall stay in his plastic life case) Found the telltalegames booth, and bought the whole animated series for Sam&Max that I've been dying for since it's been on Fox sooooooo many years ago. watched the boys play some more game demos, then the exhibit hall closed and we went to the amazing 'con suites' next door at the marriot that I never knew existed 'till Steve told me<3 Got sooo many free soda cans. (since i wasnt really hungry, and have a phobia of touching the chips since so many people have stuck their dirty hands in the bowl to grab them already).

Headed out around 9, got to fashion and left to get food from Nijiya with Dan and grabbed all my stuff tomorrow along with dropping my things off at home, and stayed at Dan's house with Ryan since we're all carpooling tomorrow.
Things bought: Sam & Max dvd set, umbrella breath mints,


outfit: (( same as Fridays )) lace-up boots, red & black stocking + fishnets, black biker shorts, red hot pants, black tanktop, Corset, and pink n black 'shirt' I ended up making the other night from tights. Red wig and mini top hat. Cyber esque 'mask' make-up.

Woke up pretty early, and had to struggle to get actually wake up, until I had to go help stop the horrible noise the toilet was making, and decided to actually stay up. Left with Ryan and Dan to go get coffee, then headed to Fashion Valley. Got there, started to get up the stairs. Saw the trolley was coming and realized Ryan left stuff in the car and had to watch him run all the way down and back up the stairs making it onto the trolley just in time.

Got to the convention center, and split up with Ryan since he was volunteering and could just walk into the exhibit hall, and Dan and I went up to wait in the huge line to get into the exhibit hall. Managed to get to the front by telling the elite guy that we were 'looking for my sister' and got pretty close to the very front, and waited the hour and a half. Got downstairs and ran towards the capcom booth, to make sure Ryan managed to put our names down to play darksidechronicals. 
Went over to Viz and took a stab at the claw machine for the Naruto plushes.

Met up with Aloysius and James, and split off for a bit before we had our 'appointment' for RE. Got blow up wrenches from the playstation booth, and stayed in the area of the videogame booths.

Went back over to the capcom booth, played RE with alo dan and Ryan. got a free t-shirt~ :D
Split up again, and Ryan had to go 'work' upstairs for a bit, so Dan and I went around the hall. Got so many free t-shirts and stuff.
We went over and got in line for the Naruto plushies and stayed over by Viz for a while, played the 'treasure' chest game and failed but got a 'conselation prize' which was a lame shojo beat cellphone charm. When we were in line for the plushes, saw a japanese guy talking to the people working the Viz media booth, and I know he was famous but I can't place how exactly. xD so we ended up taking his picture anyways.

Went to see what Trivia games they were doing, and rather then switching it up or even doing something like Bleach or Death Note it was only Naruto... and I jumped up and down and pointed to get the guy to pick Dan, but it turns out that the 'easy' questions were the hard ones, so he didn't make it past the first round and got a Viz bag for conselation.
My feet started to kill me after a while (since I was going on day 3 of wearing my boots) and we ended up sitting around in the lobby, and eventually outside.

Went around and got oodles of free stuff from all the booths, since we were going on the point where we saw everything over and over and knew were all the booths were at.
Found Waldo and ended up needing a passport from Capcom. Ran over to Capcom, and back over to find Waldo, then back to Capcom and entered the contest for the xbox, phone, games and books.
Signed up to do a 'greenscreen' experience for Extract. Got a free shirt, and ended up having to sit for the millionth time cause I was stupid and forgot another pair of shoes. Ran into Anthony, and walked around the exhibit hall some more.

The exhibit hall started to close and we went upstairs to head over to the line for the gaia panel which started really late. Met up with Alo in there, and hoped to get a bunch of free stuff. Instead of running around tossing out the free things, they tried something new which was 'random awesomness'.
That turned out not really being fair, since one; they had 'who has the longest hair' but it was for girls only. two; the 'who has the most unique outfit/cosplay' and I was in second place.... I got beat by a kid with a box on his head. -.-;  They didn't even give out gold cards which was a fail.
That got over and it turned out that I missed a bunch of calls from Ryan, and saw they were about start the masquarade. Sat outside the convention center in the back where we could sort of see the screen showing the masquarade. Ran inside with Alo and got in line to grab food while leaving the bags with Dan and Ryan. Managed to get cupcakes, a plate full of chips, and pretzels.
Sat outside with Ryan and Dan since Alo was meeting up with Val and James, who came and sat with us. Watched the fireworks from afar, and then decided if we were gonna stay for the after party// rave then we should drop our bags off at the car.

Left Val James and Alo, headed to the trolley and dumped our stuff off. Got up to the trolley which was pulling in, and after I asked Ryan when we were down at the car if he had his badge and he told me yeah, he ended up forgetting it and having to run all the way down the steps and back up, just like in the morning.
Some how managed to get us on the trolley.

Got to the convention center and waited for the After party rave to start. For whatever reason, they were running super late and still wasn't started even though it was 11. When they finally got the music going, it was of course just the warm up set list, with pretty lame music.

Ryan ran off to do his own thing, and rather then trying to tolerate the crappy music, Dan and I sat outside and waited till it started to pick up with nice techno or something.
Some random old lady started to join in on our conversation and decided to try and talk to me about Michael Jackson, which i don't give two shits about, so we headed back in and the music was getting a little better, but still wasn't great. Tried to dance for a bit with Dan, but the sound system was all fucked up and the speaker we were standing by was either too loud, or kept cutting out.
Finally we decided that it was getting a little late, and the trolley might stop running soon so we tried to look for Ryan, who was talking to a girl and we didn't wanna interupt so I texted and called him tellin' him we should go.
Got down to the trolley station and almost sat next to this really scary crazy homeless guy. I was freaked out so I went down to the very end of the trolley car to avoid him.
Got to the car, fell asleep on the way to Dan's house and I more or less passed out when we got there.


outfit: Blonde highlighted wig, no make-up, green zebra striped tanktop, plaid pants, black slip-on shoes, black zipper jacket.

Slept in since I was so tired, and no rush to do anything at the convention. headed over to my house around 10:30-11 with Dan, picked up autumn and left for the convention center.
Split up with Dan and Autumn and I went to the registration to get a childs badge. Some reason, they said the pas was 'invalid' and I had to go to the badge mistakes and problems area. The lady bitched at me saying that the childs pass is only for ages 4-11, when I swear it was 12. Then she yelled at me for not having id, since I was over 18 I was irresponsible, and she looked at me like she was going to revoke my pass. I was getting worried since she asked for my address and stuff, and I don't know the exact numbers for kristie's address. So she yelled at me and I told her i 'just moved' and thankfully I knew the street address and zipcode, so she was like, 'fine whatever. print her out a badge.' and gave one to me.
Met up with Dan downstairs at the Viz booth, and tried the claw machine a couple times, and kept failing.
went around to look at stuff with Autumn, met up with Ryan and Ian, split up with Dan for a bit while just Autumn and me browsed the booths. met up again at the Viz booth, spent a couple hours over there and didn't get any plushies at all, so we wandered around, bought some stuff, and the exhibit hall closed.  Went upstairs to meet up with Ryan and Ian, and we all headed to the trolley to come back to Fashion and head home.

Comic Con 2008


(Note: Most pictures were taken with my camera, which still has a broken screen so some of them may be a little bad looking.))


Today we didn’t end up leaving until about 5 and went to go pick up Sam at his house, head to the con and as it turned out… this year wasn’t like the other years and there was a huge line outside of the con, just to get the freaking ticket for pre-reg. *sigh*
We probably waited about an hour, got inside finally and Kristie and Keegan departed from us, and we decided to meet back up at Slave Labor around 8. Val, Sam and I walked around and found the Pokémon booth and found James and Aloysius under the giant floating Pikachu. We walked around a bit, went to the Disney booth and got some free fairy wings. Then we went to the Lost Boys booth and got all…. dead. Sean showed up, found Diana, and we tried to make our way over to the SLG booth to meet back up with Kristie and Keegan, but by the time we got there, it ended up being 8:30…. Then we made it over to the Viz Media booth where I asked if they did the renewals for the shojo beat magazine or not, ended up being disappointed and got a Vampire Knight vol. 1 manga instead, since they didn’t do subs anymore. Then I got the free Viz bag this year, with my purchase which ended up being yellow.
We walked around a bit more, tried to get free blu-ray movies they were giving out, failed… and took the trolly home. Dropped off Sam, then Dropped off Kristie and Keegan, and got food with Val at Taco Bell. Came back to my house, and had trouble sleeping.

- Vampire Knight Manga vol. 1 (came with a free VK compact) 8.99



Woke up at 6:30 in the morning to Devin’s phonecall, called him back and finally got up and dressed around 7. Sean and James drove home, took showers and bought life blood (monster and coffee) and came back and we left for clairemont. Picked up Sam, rushed to the con and waited in line for Hall H (twilight) for about an hour and a half and met up with Sarah in line. Then we waited in Hall H forever before the programming started. Sean and James got bored and left. Some huuuuuge curtains across the walls in the back fell down and people screamed which unfortunately delayed the programming longer. (=.=;;;; <- me at that point) and Sam and I talked about the morbid accidents that could have happened. Then 20th Century did their panel with The day the Earth Stood still, and Max payne. Took pics of Keanu Reeves and Mark Wahlberg. Then we waited for the Summit Pictures panel. Watched the sections for Push and the Knowing. Then the much awaited Twilight panel came on and Sarah and I screamed, and these random girls came up on the side of Sam and sat down and I felt a little bad for him cause they were screaming just as loud. xD
We left~ Took our adventure to the halls and got Dead again, went and got food at the mall… ended up getting depressed about nothing (me) and sat outside Ralphs with Sean waiting for everyone while they were at the mall eating food. Then we got back to the con, Val Sam and James decided to dump the stuff off at the car and Sean, Aloysius and I walked around a bit, met up with Kristie and Keegan and went upstairs to wait in line for the Saw V panel which had a line wayyyyyyyyyyy too huge so we decided to say Fuck it, and sat on the stairs with Alo in his Jigsaw “billy” costume… and take pictures with people.
We left, and I fell asleep in the car and got a tad grouchy from the cold air and short tease of sleep. Came home, and Passed out.

- Present for Aaron cost: n/a :D


- Woke up by myself this morning, Devin came by and woke me up at 7:30 and brought me a can of tea. <3 Val showed up around 8:00. Angry morning, and I hopped in the shower. Val and Devin left to go pick up James. Kristie and Keegan showed up and Val and Devin and James and we left on our way to the mall. I ran over to Kinkos and met up with Aloysius to go volunteer with Tokyopop. Passed out free Princess Ai Cds and cards. Went upstairs as I thought I’d die from pain. Met another Mello with a Matt and two Nears. Waited for the group to meet up with us. Val turned into my Pill fairy and gave me Tylenol. Went to go check out the line for the Resident Evil Degeneration panel and cried inside from the line being closed from stupid max capacity and putting everyone in a room with only a 500 max capacity. T-T Went in the exhibit hall and looked around. Ran over by Kinkos and got my free stuff from helping out Tokyopop, and got a free trinity blood dvd, Marmalade boy boxset 1 and 4 (yeah, I know I already owned the 1st one) and about 8 free manga books. X3 then we walked to the bank so Alo and James could cash their checks or get money or something and I went to Ralphs to pull out money. Met up with Alo. and ate at Fred’s Mexican place. (Kristie and Keegan went and did their thing and got food at the mall). Walked back to the con, went with Val to Lionsgate and she got scarred/branded with “SAW V” on her forehead. Got in the Twilight line, had the boys do their thing and stood in line for Twilight. Ran into Bryan and saw Kristie and Keegan again and departed again from them. Got Twilight movie posters and walked around the exhibit hall saw the guy from Hard Candy at the WB booth. Went in the lobby to get more Tylenol. Met up with the boys, bought my corset and we went all the way to the other side of the convention center upstairs to get in line for Gaia for about 30 minutes. Sat at the Gaia panel, and waited for the trolly…. Forever… =.= Then when we got off, I had a crazy homeless guy yell “watch me charge! FUCK YOU” and I thought he was gonna hit me. >.< then after dropping James and Devin off, got home, organized things, made me more blonde and went to bed.

-Voodoo Valerie doll for (who guessed it) Valerie 4.00
- Corset 99.00
- Wall art at SLG 20.00
- tentacle girl button 1.00


- Woke up this morning, got into my Cosplay outfit, Val came by, picked up James, and found out that Sam couldn’t make it today. Did my burn mark scar thingy in the car, and got to Fashion. When we got out, we ran into James and we bought a two day pass for the trolley. I did James’ makeup on the way to the convention center, and got stared at my some asian man with big eyes. We got to the con, walked around real quick like… and ended up needing to go get ‘life blood’ for everyone and walked over to Ralphs. Got water and soda for me and Val and the boys got their energy drinks. Then we headed over to the con and walked around briefly, found Sarah, and headed to the Joker vs. Joker duel thingy ma bob. Which ended up being a joke off/photo op. that wasn’t too great.
We stayed outside for a while, got caught up with a few phonecalls and went inside, looked at an onion boy comic thing, walked around, split off from Sarah, walked around with the group, looked at Hentai with Aloysius, found Kim, and we branched off and formed mini groups. Did stuff in the exhibit hall for a while, met up with Kristie and Keegan and went upstairs to look at the hideous line for Ballroom 20 (masquerade).
Hung out upstairs for a while, made friends with a Kairi cosplay who was Mello the previous day and I apparently talked to. xD
Then went downstairs to go around the exhibit hall with James and Sean. Turned around to find a pretty red headed girl linking arms with me on the escalator and saw it was the Kairi girl who was stalking me… Then she told me how much she loved Mello.
Met up with Kim again, and headed upstairs to meet back up with everyone.
Left the con with Val, James, and Sean so we could head to Clairemont and get rice bowls for food… came back to the con and stood in line to get more food from the free food tables, watched the masquerade outside and made an uber huge mess and ditched it.
Came inside, waited for the dance/’rave’ and went through intervals of watching the stuff we got so that nobody would have to worry about their stuff being stolen. :]
Waited for the trolly, came home late, stayed up and talked to my mom for a while.
Then went to bed to embrace the last day. 

- Kirby plush 35.00
- X plush 4.00
- Howls moving Castle figurine 4.00
- Dears buttons for Alo. Cost:N/a
- grab bag of anime for Autumn 10.00


Woke up around 7ish from Devin knocking at my window, talked to him for a while, got ready and headed out around 9. Got to the trolley and had to say bye to Devin cause he had to go home. Got to the con and departed on my mission of getting all the free stuff I could. Waited in line for Summit to get a voucher for the free t-shirts. Met up with Sean while in line. Wanted to get a Twilight shirt but they ended up not having anymore. L Met up with Alo. And his Cousin. Had the Summit people make fun of me… and then Sean. =.=’’’’’’’’’’’’’ and then both of us…. And we walked around, waited in line at the Disney booth for a free tshirt cause they ran outta wings., sat in the lobby and met up with Kim. Then Sean and I went to go look around, while I left my shoes with Val and them. Bought my sister a voodoo doll, and got myself one (sean bought it). Then we went back to the lobby, and Val and I ran off to go get free poster tubes. Came back, Alo went off to buy some. Sean left and Alo left for home as well. Then Kim, val, and me went to head back into the exhibit hall and ran into Diana the tetris block on the way through the lobby. Split up with Kim cause she was heading to the buffy musical, walked over to the voodoo place to see if I won the raffle thing. Saw Jhonen walking with his co-writer lady on the way. X3
Then decided to head home cause I was out of money, and my feet were hurting.

- voodoo doll for autumn 10.00
- Nana BLAST bag 28.00
- Lenore Noogies book 11.95
-Something is scratching at the window for Val



end of the year blog // *X-posted*


January- Dave left me, I was depressed, I decided to leave school for homeschooling//charter, went to Sarah's Birthday party in Murrieta which helped me get over stress and etc.
February- Spent Valentines with Caitee during the day and Sean at night, met Brody, got out of the house as much as I could, tried to get over being depressed, hung out with a LOT of people
March- met Daniel, Decided that we'd be together after I spent a night out with him.
April- got caught Shopliffting, didn't speak to anyone for a week cause i was in trouble.  Broke things off with Daniel cause I was being mindfucked, went to the Monty Are I /Amber Pacific show with Valerie
May- spent a lot of stupid time with Dave, got bruises in weird places from 'wrestling' with dave, experimented with stupid shit.
June- tried to do all my charter work and spend some time away from home
July- College class, met a bunch of new people at my college class, finished up charter, went to Comic-con, Saw Milla Jovavich at Comic-con
August- Warped Tour, (had a much better time with her than last year, Saw Ore~Ska~Band, Val's car broke down on the way home), started talking on the phone again to Daniel late at night, Went to the beach late at night, saw my cousin for the first time in a long while, had lovely late nights with someone, had someone randomly show up in my life again, got vomitted on.
September- Had someone's parents come to my house and tell my father that I was having sex, etc.
October-  Started working, started hanging out more with Aaron and Val, had a good birthday with Aaron and Val (they made people at red robin sing to me. >.>;  the fires sorta made it hard to go out and do anything), found Bun-Bun
November- Went to Hawaii (went on a plane for the first time ever), missed the Paramore show
December- found Fluke,  gave up on a boy


The Good~
X- made new friends ( Brody)
X- met Daniel
X- GSA meetings
X- late night phonecalls with Daniel
X- Comic-con
X- Warped Tour
X- getting a job
X- finished up highschool
X- found pets (Bun-Bun & Fluke)
X- Hawaii (being on a plane for the first time)
X- beachnights
X- sneaking out for good reasons
X- late nights with a certain boy


The Bad~
X- being cheated on
X- not being able to see Daniel
X- shopliffting.
X- cutting
X- getting puked on
X- losing friends (kristie)
X- being in a complicated relationship
X- shit talk about me
X- Keeters dying... (my parakeet)
X- Having someone's parents come to my house and make life harder on me
X- not getting my diploma even though i finished school >.>;
X- not graduating with everyone else
X- taking things for granted
X- repeating the same relationship drama
X- wasting my money on a boy so he could spent time talking to someone else.



X- move out
X- find out what I wanna do in the future
X- college
X- make a relationshop work
X- go on a trip
X- be less depressed
X- dont dwell on the past
X- be more optimistic
X- be less difficult
X- dont take things for granted
X- dont get as emotionally attached
X- be happier
X- Try and keep my job
X- start saving money


~Well, that's it. I doubt I'll be blogging again anytime soon so...
This is the end of the year blog.


- Ashley <3



it's been forever since I posted here//

Con season, and I wanna cosplay... so I figured I'd post a list of all the things I intend on cosplaying at somepoint.

under the cuttCollapse )